Sigh.

Xeikeness · #1 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 06:06 PM

Anyone ever get that feeling that they're completely unappreciated, under estimated, and generally worthless?

My dad told me something to that effect last night.

"You know, I bet if you sold all your snakes and their equipment and cages and everything, you could afford another term at college."
"My college is getting paid for dad, and besides, that isn't an option. That never WILL be an option."
"Then it's obvious college isn't an option for you, either."
"I'm getting a job, dad."
"Well, you talk big, but you don't actually do anything."

For starters, he doesn't even KNOW what I do every single day when I'm not at home. Even when I am home, he doesn't know what I'm up to. He's never there, and he never talks to me about it. He has no clue. Nor does he realize what it's like, commuting over an hour to, and over an hour back from Will's place two to four times a WEEK just so I still get to SEE him. Four years we've been together, and we're stuck in this BS. After a long pause, in which I fleetingly thought about throwing my beauty snake on his face(you know, the inherently aggressive, nasty tempered snake) he changed the subject.

"Mom says you're not going to be here for Suzanne's party tomorrow."
"I can't dad, I have a really busy day tomorrow. I'm going to stop by and make an appearance, but I can't stay. There's a good friend's handfasting, Will's birthday party, among other things."
"You know, that says a lot about how you feel about your family."

Feels so warm and snuggly when he would say something like THAT to me, I love my family more than almost anything else. And because I won't go to a non-family gathering, he says I hate them all and don't find them important. I gave him that same "throw the snake on your face" stare and walked away. Went over to a friends house... I need my own place. I am so sick of this., I'm sick of being a ping pong ball, I'm sick of all this BS. >.<

Smits · #2 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 06:31 PM

i felt the same way when i lived with my parents. Soon as I went away though, it just dissappeared

i feel your pain, it will get better though. Hang in there

Stargazer · #3 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 06:37 PM

Xeike, I think there are many of us whose families are pretty clueless. It is hurtful and it doesn't seem fair. Over time I have learned to accept that mine are the way they are. I finally decided that my "real" family is made up of people who do love and appreciate me--people I choose to be my family. Don't underestimate your family members here who care about you! You are a special and beautiful person. If anyone cannot appreciate you, it is their loss.

Hartsock · #4 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 09:19 PM

Xeike, sounds like you've been through a rough one, let me say this about your Dad. Most parents want to know that their child will be okay if they aren't in the picture and it becomes a great concern for them if they don't think their child can survive on their own. Unfortanately, most of these type of parents can see that their kid is doing okay as they are and just because they don't fit into what their mold of a child should be, they act out very stupidly which only complicates the problem. Sorry your dad said those things to you, I know it hurt.

I have been through alot of the same thing and you know when I began to actually think on my own and follow my dreams that is where problems began happening. I stopped "living" according to what others felt I needed to do to show that I loved them and I just lived what I wanted and showed love to them in the ways I wanted. That caused more problems and some distance and I am sure there are some in the family who see it as just not carrying, but that isn't the case. If they can't understand that, it is their problem not mine. I still give and and play the game from time to time and do stuff just to make them happy, but all in all, they have learned that I am my own person and I won't be bullied into doing what they feel I should do to please them. For example, I have my own life, own friends, kids, etc; but every holiday from Christmas to Easter to Groundhog day and GooseDay (central pa thing) they expect me to be there with bells on. And if other plans are made they get like your Dad, "o well we see how important we are to you..." I used to be afraid of that, now, I do what I want. And there is still that little childish pouting lip stuff, but hey, they'll get over it; or they won't see me for even longer because I don't want to put up with the drama. I have enough of that here on this forum, LOL.

You are honestly one of the most interesting and most liked members on here in my opinion and I appreciate you. Good luck and know that we got your back,

.
PS> if you throw the beauty snake make sure it is at an angle it can get a good hold on. ROFL!!!!!

Stargazer · #5 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hartsock

You are honestly one of the most interesting and most liked members on here in my opinion and I appreciate you. Good luck and know that we got your back,

.
PS> if you throw the beauty snake make sure it is at an angle it can get a good hold on. ROFL!!!!!

I could not have said this better. Ditto everything he said.

Hartsock · #6 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stargazer

I could not have said this better. Ditto everything he said.

* Hartsock picks himself up off the floor *

Darn you Xeike for making me say something that Stargazer actually agrees with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Xeikeness · #7 (**permalink**) 09-01-2007, 11:29 PM

Thanks guys...

I know you guys love me, that's why I posted here. I cried all night and my best friend thought I was mad at her, which only hurt things worse. I feel like no one sees how hard I'm trying. I know I'm not the best, and I give up relatively easily. Maybe it's just this mood I've been in lately, but I feel like no one has any faith in me anymore.

I guess what hurts the most is I can't find a reason why they SHOULD have faith in me. I've just been miserable lately, and the stuff my dad's said to me really put the icing on the cake.

I'm not going to lie or dance around the bush, I'm adopted. It was never official. My real family threw me away, and this family took me in, no questions asked, and have been everything for me. I love them more than I can say, they have been everything for me, and given me more than I can ever repay.

The only people so close to me that I can respect, whose opinions really matter, who have always helped me. Maybe that's why I feel so wronged about it all; they've always been right before. I can't help feeling like all my hard work has been useless.

Stargazer · #8 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 12:27 AM

It's amazing how one little word from someone we are so close to can crush us. Your story reminded me of when I was in graduate school studying counseling. I was talking to my sister one day about my ambitions, and she basically told me I was too screwed up to ever be a counselor. I was so affected by that that I eventually dropped out of school and never went back. I was affected because I didn't totally believe in myself. I think you hit the nail on the head that you don't have faith in yourself right now. So you can sit down and write down all the amazing things about yourself and all the accomplishments you've had in your life. If you can't think of anything, let your friends help. They may be seeing you more clearly than you see yourself right now.

If you can really love and appreciate yourself, it does not matter what anyone else thinks of you (except us--our opinions should matter more than God's heh heh).

Good Lord, Redtailed Mustang! What did you do to my avatar and user title????

Xeikeness · #9 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 12:49 AM

I know where you're coming from with that, and I understand how it can help. It's hard for me though, since a lot of the problems with my self-esteem are chemical(I'm Bipolar, diagnosed and untreated) and I've had serious issues trying to combat any feelings i have, good or bad.

Lately things have been going downhill anyway; between close friends dying, relationship stress, friends being idiots, and severe financial stress, the things dad said to me reaqlly hit home.

Now I just feel worthless and inconsequential. Depsite working my butt off to try and get -anywhere- recently, I keep getting confronted with "does it really matter anyhow?" and now having my DAD say it to me... Does it? I dunno... I just feel cruddy. I don't feel like talking about it with anyone else, and you guys are all always really supportiuve, and I appreciate that.

Also - I'm on my way to being pretty drunk, please pardon if anything in this post, or any more I make before tomorrow morning, don't make much sense. My hubby and our girl DD are loading me up with tequila sunrisesa in an attempt to break down my barriers and gert me to talk. LOL

Adrya · #10 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 12:59 AM

I've heard all kinds of stories of family members going through somewhat the same thing while they were growing up, as well as some friends of mine... I can't say that I can relate because my dad pays for my tuition...

The only thing I guess I can relate to is being away from my family, even though things really aren't bad around here, I've always enjoyed being by myself and independent, and it feels great to be. I know things will be so much better when you get your own place, I'm sure of it. Just hang in there.

zsanorah · #11 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 01:39 AM

Listen beautiful...
You are the most special unique person in the universe. The only thing that matters is that YOU think that what you are doing is worth while!!
When I was growing up my mother never had the time for me, #$%^&#$%^&#$%^&#$%^& I was the product of a wonderful drinking party, my sperm (sorry if i cant say that word here) provider was a 15 year old who had a fake ID...my mother was a 40 year old mother of 4...So I pretty much learned that I was the most worthless piece of junk in existance because I took her youth, or what was left of it, I ruined her figure and I just cost to much money for her. Everything that I did was wrong, because how could one like me do something right? At 15 she kicked me out because her rich boyfriend said he didnt have the time for kids and it was her or me....
So yes i know how the ones you love the most can hurt you the worst (somehow I still do love her and would be the first to protect her)
I am now 21, married with my own house car and snakies what can she say for herself? She's living in a homeless shelter because she can not manage to find a job. Im going back to school to better myself and yet she never graduated and didnt have a word to say other then "See told you youre too stupid to graduate" I dropped out to support her... I myself am also bipolar and its untreated save by myself.
Recently after being with my husband for just shortly over four years, I have realized that I am a good person, that I am kind, caring and stronger then 90% of those out there because I survived. I am constantly working to better myself, going to school, getting a better job, just got my license and working out. I can actually look in the mirror with out shame, I dont feel guilty for looking others in the eye, something i was slapped for by her because I was not worthy of such a thing.
I..and you and perfect as long as we are what we want to be, even if we are a work in progress we're still doing the best that we can and that is ALL that matters. If you can look at yourself at the end of the day and feel that you can be whole again then you are doing well.
All that matters is that YOU like who you are. It takes courage and strength to be only you and nothing but that, and it took me a lloongg time to find it. I know that you too will find yours.

Sorry for the ramble =)

Xeikeness · #12 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 01:47 AM

Well, I'm 21 in November. I have a fiancee I'm too coward to let marry me, no car(not even a learner's permit because I'm scared of driving. ive been in/seen too many wrecks), and am struggling to get through college which is getting paid for for me.

You'd think, that living at home and getting college paid for wouldn't be so dang hard, but for some reason, i can't make ends meet well enough and am stressing, which is making things worse. I spend a lot of time working my butt off to makle things work out. At the end of the day I always look back wondering why I'm so exhausted. I know why I am, but I have nothing in my hands or pockets to show for it. Dad, and it seems everyone but Will, too, only wants to see what I have to show for it. No ring, no car, no degree, no money.

I'm trying to nlike myself, but it's hard. I come from a background a WHOLE lot like yours, zsanorah... it's kind of scary.

Stargazer · #13 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 03:15 AM

When I was 7, I was living in a very dark and abusive family. My stepfather was beating me and always trying to molest me. My father abandoned me, and my mother was neglecting me. During that time I had a dream that I was in search of a very bright and beautiful butterfly. The butterfly was glowing in irridescent colors. It was so beautiful, it was almost blinding. In order to see the butterfly, I had to go into a very dark cave that was pretty scary and seemed endless. Then just when I was about to give up, I saw it.

I did not realize at the time how profound this dream was. it turned out to be the story of my life. I didn't think I would ever come out of the dark cave. It sounds like your story is somewhat similar, and this is your dark night of the soul. I'm sorry you are going through it, but you can and will get through it. You just cannot see the beautiful person that you are (the butterfly).

zsanorah · #14 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 03:46 AM

I too was (am) quite fearful of driving I am always thinking of how I will hurt some one, not because I intend to, but perhaps because Im not skilled enough or smart enough to avoid doing so. I am slowly learning that its a whole lot harder then I thought to actually do that. And I know what you mean about accidents...I will NOT get into another ford taurus, not even if I would have to walk 100 miles otherwise. Been in wrecks in 7!!!! of them. I do have to say they hold up well =) Even though I have had my license for such a short time (almost a week now) I have sooo much more freedom, its whats allowing me to go back to school. For me it was a HUGE stepping stone, it means more chances for a better job, means that I can go to school or if one of my animals were hurt i wouldnt have to have him die in my hands again because I had to wait for my husband to get home to take us to the vet.
My biggest issue with relationships is that I have had so many of them turn sour and abusive that its what I expect so I pick at them to make them fall apart faster, I guess to make the pain less in the end. I love my husband to no end, but yet I STILL DO THIS sometimes. He's helping me to realize this issue and fix it. Most importantly he loves me for me, not for what he wants me to be, or what he thinks I am. But for all of the emotional baggage, scars still plain upon my skin and in my mind, for all my sometimes backward thoughts and ideas and he is the one who catches me when I fall. I was very much afraid of marrying him. My best friend literally had to hold me down to keep me from running off the night before our wedding. Not because I wasnt sure that I wanted to marry him, but because I was sure I did want to, it was the best thing that I have ever done.
Living at home can be the hardest thing ever, because sometimes parents dont see what you are doing, and no matter the words you offer to justify the use of your time, they just dont seem to understand. It was this way with my mother when she decided to even admit that I was in the house.
And like you my bank account is empty as is my stomache. Yet my animals are well fed and my life is better then ever it has been. I have my biggest fan at my back and thats all that counts. He is such a turning point for me, I really dont think that I could have done it alone. My question used to be why would he choose me? He could have soo much better then the anything that I could ever offer. My answer now is this. Because I too am beautiful, if only in his eyes am I special it makes life worth living.

Xeikeness · #15 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 04:20 AM

I do the same thing, pick at the relationship, certain it'll fall apart. Some part of me says that if it does, I don't need to be hurt, I get the right to feel bitterly smug. I knew it would go wrong and it did.

Living at home sucks, because Will and I had been on our own for three years. Then everything went to heck and I'm back in the nest. It's frustrating at best. >.o

Stargazer · #16 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 09:49 AM

It is natural to have trust issues given what you (two) have been through so give yourselves a break. I have gone through the same stuff with relationships, though I've been single for several years now. In my first relationship, all of my abandonment issues came out. I used to feel abandoned just by his going to work in the morning (!) and throw his books and stuff all over the room. It's a wonder he put up with that. When he finally met my parents, he broke down and cried in the car cause he understood why I was the way I was. I have been blessed in my life to have several men who have loved me deeply and wanted to marry me. My capacity to love was limited at the time, and I pushed them all away in various ways. I did the best I could at the time, and I have no regrets.

I think I am at peace now only because I have survived long enough to face down my demons. It has been a long, slow process that is never ending, but I do feel better. The biggest revelation was when I realized that I am not like my parents. Just because they abandoned me, I don't have to abandon myself and the people I love. By most people's standards, my life is nothing to envy. I am very poor and single. My modest condo is nearly in foreclosure. Every day I look in the mirror and see more wrinkes. But I still feel feel grateful most days for everything I have, and I know happiness is not dependent on those things. Most people who meet me would never guess the kind of life I had because I am usually laughing and smiling and genuinely happy. I can honestly say I am single because I have not met a man who really gets my attention and can appreciate someone like me. It is no longer because I feel like I don't deserve it.

Please believe me when I say that all of the sorrow you are going through now will transform into great joy as you get older and make you a very strong person. It gives you great compassion that others don't have. When I was going through my depression, I did not have the benefit of a "family" like this one. I could not afford therapy, and many of the therapists and friends I had betrayed me. I have gone through my recovery pretty much on my own with my own resources, and I am very proud of my personal strength. I think if I can do it, anyone can.

P.S. I think now hartsock needs to post the picture of himself with a snakehook up his nose. Are you reading, hartsock?

Stargazer · #17 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 04:34 PM

Xeike, if you are depressed for a prolonged period, you may wish to go the chemical route. Do whatever works. Alternately, I had excellent luck with homeopathic remedies. They worked right away and there are no side effects. Also, don't let the mental health label define who you are. I once had a diagnosis too--it wasn't bipolar, it was something else. The label did me more harm than good, and it is meaningless to me now. It is only useful if the treatment for it can help. Many people diagnosed with bipolar are among the most talented and creative people alive.

mpgt · #18 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 07:32 PM

Feeling any better today Xeike? We care about you a lot!!!

Don't read anything into what your dad says. He could be frustrated for any number of reasons, and we all know males and females think very differently. I've discovered recently, that it's useless trying to make sense of certain things involving relationships, and nobody should think they KNOW what someone else is thinking. Also, the most important advice of all, is the hardest to internalize and follow. A few examples that come to mind:

You can't let others control the way you feel.
Never drink when you're depressed.
Focus on what's really important to you. Set goals and don't let anyone get in the way.

razeraze · #19 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 11:43 PM

Keep your chin up

If you need to vent do it here safely, don't do things to make your life worse, I learned that the hard way. Best of luck to you and smile

BoaVixen · #20 (**permalink**) 09-02-2007, 11:44 PM

My father is the same way. He says that everything i do has a bad possibility that will get me in the end and I am wasting my time with my snakes and that I spend too much time with my boyfriend and that he is generally not willing to be understanding of my chosen lifestyle and just generally who I am.

What upsets me about any parent is that sometimes, without thinking they expect to be able to choose what their kids are like. Even thought that is the last thing that they could do. We are who we are and they have to accept us.

I am so sorry he said what he said. He has no right to treat such a wonderful, caring, interesting and beautiful daughter. I have only read your posts but I think you should be lovingly charished, because you know who you are. You fight for it and you won't let anyone (even your family) take that away from you. I am proud of you. I look up to you now, knowing more of what you are really about. I am glad to find out.

I wish you well, I wish for your emancipation from your Dad's house. You are truly a strong woman, I wish you heaven

.

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