DEEP THOUGHTS for M2788

Stargazer · #1 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:02 AM

These are from the book of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. And they are dedicated to M2788.
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If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

RayRay · #2 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stargazer

These are from the book of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. And they are dedicated to M2788.
*******************************************************
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

fixed.

Stargazer · #3 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:05 AM

"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy."

Stargazer · #4 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:07 AM

If a kid asks where rain comes from, i think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

M2788 · #5 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:08 AM

I LOVE Jack Handy. This is a perfect way to distract me from an earthquake. Thank you!

-----------------------------------

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then
I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handy

Stargazer · #6 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:08 AM

Melissa, don't you have the book of Advanced Deep Thoughts or something like that? Please post some.

Stargazer · #7 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:09 AM

It takes a big man to cry. And it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

Stargazer · #8 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:10 AM

My personal favorite:

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Stargazer · #9 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:13 AM

M2788 · #10 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:14 AM

I will have to look them up online, since the book is currently at a friends house. But here we go.

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

2. If you’re a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”

3. When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

4. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

5. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em’, cause, man, they’re gone.

6. To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

7. Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

8. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

9. Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said “Hey, hows it going?”. So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said “Now whose asking the questions?”

10. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

11. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

12. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

13. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

14. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

15. I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

Stargazer · #11 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stargazer

Melissa, don't you have the book of Advanced Deep Thoughts or something like that? Please post some.

Or Deeper Thoughts or Deepest Thoughts or something like that?

Stargazer · #12 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M2788

I will have to look them up online, since the book is currently at a friends house. But here you go.

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
2. If you’re a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
3. Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said “Hey, hows it going?”. So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said “Now whose asking the questions?”
4. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable – until I realized it wasn’t a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
5. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em’, cause, man, they’re gone.
6. To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
7. Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
8. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
9. When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.
10. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
11. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
12. I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.
13. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
14. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he’d spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he’d yell out, “Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!” We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
15. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

ROFLMAO!!!!! But most of these are from Deep Thoughts. So I'll have fewer of them to post. BTW, you forgot an appostrophe!!!! For shame.

M2788 · #13 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:18 AM

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

Stargazer · #14 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:20 AM

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

M2788 · #15 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stargazer

ROFLMAO!!!!! But most of these are from Deep Thoughts. So I'll have fewer of them to post. BTW, you forgot an appostrophe!!!! For shame.

*GASP*

I blame the post-quake dizzies. I have no other excuse.

Stargazer · #16 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:21 AM

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Stargazer · #17 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by M2788

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

I love these. I literally crack up every time I read them.

M2788 · #18 (**permalink**) 01-10-2010, 02:22 AM

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary!