Man Rules....and other jokes

[X-Factor]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings...Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1.. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

===============================

(USMC AIR WING) Over Iraq
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai .
It's too good not to pass along!!!

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

=====================================

Two California HighwayPatrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile
aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns.

[Icicle]

Got to like it.

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[BRITTani]

I loled

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[Ranger]

A candidate for post of the week for sure!

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[sixth_sense]

Couch? Uh can you say front porch? Lol

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[X-Factor]

Originally Posted by sixth_sense

Couch? Uh can you say front porch? Lol

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[louise]

X you are right but i have a question for you. i know it is sunday and you are probably watching sports, i am pretty sure there is not a commercial on right now. today when i go to work i cannot pick between my black suit and my gray suit, now i feel the black one makes me look to thin, what do you think? the worst part is i only have 24 pair of shoes and i wonder if i should rush to the store and get a better matching pair? i need a straight answer shortly from you cause i dont have much time. oh the bulb in my closet is out...just stand on the computer chair and screw the globe off and replace the bulb with a 100 watt one. thanks for all your help







see why i remain single

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[X-Factor]

Originally Posted by louise

X you are right but i have a question for you. i know it is sunday and you are probably watching sports, i am pretty sure there is not a commercial on right now. today when i go to work i cannot pick between my black suit and my gray suit, now i feel the black one makes me look to thin, what do you think? the worst part is i only have 24 pair of shoes and i wonder if i should rush to the store and get a better matching pair? i need a straight answer shortly from you cause i dont have much time. oh the bulb in my closet is out...just stand on the computer chair and screw the globe off and replace the bulb with a 100 watt one. thanks for all your help

see why i remain single

Sure. Whatever.

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[sixth_sense]

Originally Posted by X-Factor

Well... YOU posted it. Dug your own hole on that one. And after such a FABULOUS early birthday present too. j/k

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[Icicle]

Originally Posted by louise

X you are right but i have a question for you. i know it is sunday and you are probably watching sports, i am pretty sure there is not a commercial on right now. today when i go to work i cannot pick between my black suit and my gray suit, now i feel the black one makes me look to thin, what do you think? the worst part is i only have 24 pair of shoes and i wonder if i should rush to the store and get a better matching pair? i need a straight answer shortly from you cause i dont have much time. oh the bulb in my closet is out...just stand on the computer chair and screw the globe off and replace the bulb with a 100 watt one. thanks for all your help







see why i remain single

I refuse to answer to remaim on the good side.

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[louise]

Originally Posted by Icicle

I refuse to answer to remaim on the good side.

you will live a lot longer and happier life then X. lol

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[John]

Originally Posted by louise

X you are right but i have a question for you. i know it is sunday and you are probably watching sports, i am pretty sure there is not a commercial on right now. today when i go to work i cannot pick between my black suit and my gray suit, now i feel the black one makes me look to thin, what do you think? the worst part is i only have 24 pair of shoes and i wonder if i should rush to the store and get a better matching pair? i need a straight answer shortly from you cause i dont have much time. oh the bulb in my closet is out...just stand on the computer chair and screw the globe off and replace the bulb with a 100 watt one. thanks for all your help
see why i remain single

That's easy. Just reach in the closet without looking and take the first thing you grab hold of...whether it matches or not. Peace will be yours.

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[louise]

Originally Posted by faroutinmt

That's easy. Just reach in the closet without looking and take the first thing you grab hold of...whether it matches or not. Peace will be yours.

you dont love me or you would take my question seriously. six months from now i will remind you of this and we will be eating at red lobster instead of mcdonalds

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[Icicle]

Just a Question for all you ladies,

Why do you always have to worry if something matches or not.
And why do you happen to need 20+ pairs of shoes you can only wear one pair at a time.

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[John]

Originally Posted by louise

you dont love me or you would take my question seriously. six months from now i will remind you of this and we will be eating at red lobster instead of mcdonalds

Of course I took your question seriously. That's why I gave you the best answer you could get.

I love seafood!

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[louise]

see X, you need to take lessons from ice and farout. they will live a nice peaceful life. you my friend are trying to live a fairy tale and the big bad witch will get you in the end

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[sixth_sense]

Originally Posted by Icicle

Just a Question for all you ladies,
Why do you always have to worry if something matches or not.
And why do you happen to need 20+ pairs of shoes you can only wear one pair at a time.

I am mismatched MOST of the time. Not all. And owning twenty pairs of shoes, well, it's some where in the woman manual. It's just what we do. Some of us just like shoes period. Others like myself have a collection of boots like Doc Martens and Red Wings. More functional.

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[louise]

Originally Posted by sixth_sense

I am mismatched MOST of the time. Not all. And owning twenty pairs of shoes, well, it's some where in the woman manual. It's just what we do. Some of us just like shoes period. Others like myself have a collection of boots like Doc Martens and Red Wings. More functional.

i only have 6 pair of boots.

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[Stargazer]

I will post my response to this shortly.

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[X-Factor]

This is true, sixth is extremely practical, so I don't mind it and all joking aside she looks fabulous whatever she chooses to wear.

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