Funny (appropriate) Jokes

[Stargazer]

Three guy friends were sitting around a campfire. One was from Colorado; one was from California; and the last was from Texas. The Texan polished off his bottle of Lone Star beer, threw the empty bottle up in the air, took out his gun and shot it. "Plenty more of those where I come from", he said. The Californian finished his bottle of Napa Valley wine, threw it up in the air and shot it. "Plenty more of those where I come from", he said. The Coloradoan polishes off his Coors beer, takes out his gun, and shoots the Texan and Californian. "Plenty more of those where I come from," he said.

[Stargazer]

Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died, they couldn't find a coffin big enough to bury him? So they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

[dhonaker]

Originally Posted by strikerratt

Signs You've Finally Grown Up
24 Signs That Prove - "You've Grown Up"
1. Fooling around in a twin bed is out of the question.
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
5. You watch the Weather Channel.
6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
9. Now you're the one calling the police because those kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
10. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.
11. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
12. Your car insurance goes down.
13. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
14. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
15. You no longer take naps from noon to 6PM.
16. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
17. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
18. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
22. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
23. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
24. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

every one of thoes apply to me this sucks

[diggy415]

what did one noodle say to the other as it went by it in a race???? I PASTA you!! lol i made that one up.

[choldy]

Two Cannibals sitting and eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Gamefreak]

lol thats funny

[Gamefreak]

cmon guys u gotta have more these a halarious!!!

[Bluzmn59]

Originally Posted by dhonaker

every one of thoes apply to me this sucks

Yeah, me too.

[Bluzmn59]

And now, leave the lawyer jokes to a lawyer..............

1) Why does the American Bar Association ban sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent the clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

2) What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A tick will drop off of you once you're dead. (there is an R-rated version involving a hooker)

3) What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking scavenger and the other is just a fish.

And my all-time favorite?

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer were arguing about who had the oldest profession:

The doctor says, "if you look in the Book of Genesis, God removed a rib from a man and created a woman. That is obviously surgery and, therefore, my profession is obviously the oldest."

"Not so fast," says the engineer. "If you read earlier in the Book of Genesis, out of chaos God created the earth in just six days. That is one heck of an engineering feat, and my profession is obviously the oldest."

The lawyer just shook his head and chuckled. "How do you think it got be chaos in the first place?"

[Stargazer]

Oh yeah?

What is the definition of the ultimate waste?
A bus full of lawyers going over a cliff....with 3 empty seats.

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
An excellent start

Why do they bury lawyers 26 feet under the ground?
Because down deep, they're all really good people.

[Stargazer]

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because even at that stage, they won't stop and ask for directions.

(one of my favorites)

[Stargazer]

What do you get when you cross LSD with the birth control pill?
A trip without the kids.

[Stargazer]

Three doctors had died and were standing at the pearly gates waiting for St. Peter to let them in. St. Peter asked the first doctor what he had accomplished on earth. The first doctor said, "I discovered a cure for cancer." "You can come in," St. Peter replied. Then he asked the second doctor the same question. "I discovered a cure for AIDS," he said. "Come on in," said St. Peter. "And what did you do on earth?" St. Peter asked of the third doctor. "I worked for an HMO," the doctor replied. "You can come in," St. Peter said. "But you can only stay for 3 days."

[maidenfreak]

Chuck Norris died three years ago but the Grim Reaper couldn't work up enough corage to tell him.

[maidenfreak]

Chuck Norris beat up his shadow for being to close to him so now his shadow stands a safe 30 feet away at all times.

[maidenfreak]

If Chuck Norris flips you off what hes really doing is telling you how many seconds you have to live.

[maidenfreak]

If you spell Chuck Norris's name wrong on google it dosen't bring up a correct spelling for Chuck Norris's name what it brings up is "Get out while you still can"

[maidenfreak]

Sorry about all the Chuck Norris jokes but those are basically the only jokes I know of.

[Bluzmn59]

Musician jokes:

How many __________ does it take to change a light bulb?
1) guitar players? 12. One to change the bulb and 11 to sit there and talk about they could do it better.
2) bluegrass musicians? 12. One to change the bulb and 11 to complain about it being electric.
3) lead singers? 1. He just stands there, holds it and lets the whole world revolve around him.

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? Homeless.

How do you get a drummer off of your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

[Bluzmn59]

Chuck Norris does not wear a watch. Chuck Norris decides what time it is.