Funny (appropriate) Jokes

[jbjfd2005]

Secret behind a successful marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving
couple!"



A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the
Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said,
'That's once'."


"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, 'that's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was
shouting; she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's
once'...............and we lived happily ever after."

[jbjfd2005]

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[jbjfd2005]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze
class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at
this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is
especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the

time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[X-Factor]

Nice!

[Gamefreak]

lol u guyz got anymore

[Gamefreak]

a little kid walks on a bus behind the driver and starts to say if my dad were a cow id be a little cow. if my dad were a pig id be a little pig. the bus driver is getting a little aggrivated. but the kid goes on and says if my dad were a moose id be a little moose. the bus driver got sick of it and said if your dad were gay and youre mom was a prostitute what would u be. the kid replies and sayz i'd be a bus driver.

[ILoveMyBoa4209!F!]

LOL I love that one!!

[Stargazer]

If you ever find yourself if a locked room with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer, and you have a loaded gun with 2 bullets in it, who should you shoot?






Answer: The lawyer. Twice

[Stargazer]

A man and a woman who didn't know each other both got on an elevator at the same time. It was a very tall building, and both were going up to the top floor. They were the only two people on the elevator, and it was taking a long time. Pretty soon they started eyeing one another and smiling. This went on for a few floors. Pretty soon the woman reached over and pressed the STOP button. "Make me feel like a woman!" she said to the stranger. With that, he immediately took off all his clothes and threw them on the floor. "Pick 'em up," he said.

[Stargazer]

Q: Why did they call off the leper hockey game?
A: Because there was a face off in the corner.

(Hope there are no lepers on this site. They will be deeply offended!)

[Gamefreak]

lol that was really freakin funny

[Stargazer]

I have a lot of great jokes. Too bad most of them are "not appropriate."

[maidenfreak]

Same here I wish could put down any joke but alote of them are really inappropriate.

[brianb1998]

Theres a bunch of really badly deformed people on a buss taking a field trip when suddenly the bus plunges off a cliff they all die......and go to heaven......when they arrive at the pearly gates god say for enduring all you have through life i will grant you all 1 wish each and send you back to earth to live a long life......the first person goes up and says i want to be beautiful.....the second says i want to look like a moviestar......and after about 3 people wanting to be beautiful theres the bus driver at the end of the line busting up rolling on the floor laughing......nobody knows why and finally after about 20 of the deformed kids wished they were beautiful......it was the bus drivers turn......he walks up to god laughing and god say for taking care of these kids and driving them every where you too will receive one wish.......the bus driver stops laughing for a minute looks up at god and say "MAKE THEM ALL UGLY AGAIN!"

[ILoveMyBoa4209!F!]

LOL that's messed up!

[ILoveMyBoa4209!F!]

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper.
After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the
elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb
75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and
Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by
concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25
flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can
tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill
stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor
Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will
tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in
the car!"

[ILoveMyBoa4209!F!]

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking
the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to
the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that
cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the
ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to
the bar!"

"No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death."

"Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks
over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure
enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet
right in front of the bar.

"I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" .
So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches
the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar.

"Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!"

"Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second
fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to
fall screaming to his death on the rocks below.

The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink.
The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him:
"You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been
drinking, Superman".

[ILoveMyBoa4209!F!]

A young couple had been arguing about what new vehicle they would buy. He wanted a big truck, but she wanted a sports car.

After about an hour the woman had to leave, and said, "look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in less than four seconds. My birthday is coming up next week, buy something that will surprise me!"

A week later she opened her present, a new set of bathroom scales!
(The funeral will take place next Tuesday)

[scubarob]

Well, no one seems to be using the blonde jokes, and most of these are oldies, but what the heck...


Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: Why are all blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunette's can remember them.

[Stargazer]

Two blondes were walking across a field when they spotted some sort of tracks. "Look", the first blonde said. "Bear tracks." "No, they're deer tracks" said the second blonde. "Definitely look like bear tracks to me" said the first one. And while they were arguing back and forth....the train ran them over.